Abstract anger
Coffee, oats, cigarette, green tea, orange juice (?), sugar. I couldn’t be allergic to corn? Surely not, but I’ve been having a lot of polenta.
I don’t know what it is that’s causing it but I’m angry.
I’ve been having angry reveries since M____ got back from work. I picked her up and took her back to the caravan and she didn’t want to be there listening to the rain on the roof. She can’t stand the weather, and times like this we bring each other down.
I had been getting into a story and my insurance has been dragging on these last few days. I hate sorting things out like that. I don’t understand it and don’t want to invest the time to come to understand it, and I resent the time wasted on it however little it is. I came back home about five-ish, already having resented the time I felt I should spend hanging around being sociable before trudging back and got down to this story fairly sharply, after a pear and some oats, that is. But then of course I had to come away and sort it all out so me and M____ could go away for the weekend in the car. Of course I wasn’t too hot on that idea, especially since she doesn’t fancy the Hay-on-Wye festival and I don’t much fancy spending time away from my writing on anything else.
So, I was in front of my laptop maybe an hour typing out a few laborious sentences typing using the Dvorak keyboard layout (which I am learning because sometimes I get pains from typing and really need, with my guitar and my writing, to watch out).
I maybe started looking into it at seven, and finished at a quarter past nine, by which time I was tired - familiarly perhaps, from the double dose of decaf coffee when was it, yesterday(?) I threw down my neck so I could concentrate then, which meant I wouldn’t sleep.
Anyway, then I could do nothing but play guitar, and I found a nice little blues lesson on You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13EKLBr2H74 .
Went to pick up M____ and got back and the anger came on. I didn’t want to speak. I have been thinking recently. I’m not cut out for families at all. One comment the guy I was on the phone to for 36 minutes said maybe brought that to the fore again, though it keeps on happening again and again. He said part of the system had gone down because they finish at a quarter to nine, and it was ten past by then, and so when we finished it all I said to get himself down the pub. No, he said, he had a kid so he wouldn’t be relaxing yet after this shite shift from 11:30 or whatever it had been. I wouldn’t be able to deal with kids. Not one bit.
I texted Pak the other day that I had a dream about his missus being pregnant. We had been talking about this central and eastern european girls and how broody they get. I don’t remember much of it, but I’m fairly sure it ws a nightmare.
Anyway, everything like that has been coming up, and I really think I’ve maybe fallen out of love at the wrong time. Of course there’s no wrong time, and even if there was, it wouldn’t come before marriage, but we are due to move in together and all I could think before she came back was how I would resent her being around. I don’t want to be around anyone.
I am dreading I think moving in with M____. I need the time for writing, and I simply can’t cook so often and remain sane.
And then, after she went to bed, when I needed my space and couldn’t move from the same damp space in the living area, I just had all these reveries. Training at work and telling people to fuck off, that I wasn’t going. Smashing phones, hitting things. Breaking windows. Being arrested. Being incommunicado for days after smashing things up. Storming out having been told to apologise to somebody I had blown up on. Shadow boxing in my cell at the cop shop. And all this late at night.
I’m stressed. I finished one book this morning Love in Idleness and started another What a Carve up, but only read a few pages, waitig for something to heat up.
I’m too tired and angry, still, to write coherently. Not spaced out. I should maybe have gone for a walk. It’s that kind of mood. Maybe it was the flapjack I got when we drove (uninsured) to a Tesco for paracetamol for M____’s head.
8:00 green tea x 2 scrambled egg on polenta
11:00 coffee & cigarette
13:00 potatoes and fillings, salad
17:00 oats, rice milk, water
18:00 fish pie, polenta, green beans
22:30 flapjack.
