Deja Vu
I’m getting more angry about my relationship to food. I seem to be doing so much but getting nowhere with it. I picked M____ up and was going through the whole squinting when someone speaks at me thing, which is never attractive or likely to endear you to anyone. Apparently I had left my phone in my coat or something and she had rang twice. Plus. I hadn’t written, and I hadn’t bid on a jumper she wants on e-bay for. So, altogether, not in her good books. She didn’t much talk to me on the way back. Our relationship is breaking down rapidly. I hardly see her and do a lot to avoid spending time with her. I am very aspergic!
Of course she says well, I should never have had any sugar. I say I need to write down some evidence for this dietician when I see him, but of course I should have picked that up as a rationalisation when I was grabbing two flapjacks and a snickers at Tesco! I had to go for a brisk walk, listening to my MP3.
I feel terrible. There’s no way I will be able to sleep.
We were talking about some of the people at work earlier, me and Jaffa, and the mad diets they have. I didn’t want to be associated with the flakey types and didn’t say no to much of anything, not bread, not coffee, not shandy, later, when Jaffa said he normally doesn’t but that he fancied a Coke, and offered to buy me something. I felt I had got on ok down with him in the woodlands and didn’t want to lose any of that. And it’s so easy to. It sounds so pathetic but it is so true. It’s not peer pressure. Pressure I can stand up to, but it is true that people are not fair or rational or consistent in their judgements about people and you have to cater for that. You want to come over as a normal person sometimes. I find it hard to explain.
Anyway, I feel terrible, I’m in the doghouse, and there’s no sympathy for me. Quite the opposite. And tomorrow I will want nothing else but to write.
Oh, yes, and when she accused me today of not writing - texting - I heartily agreed and began to talk at cross purposes about how I have no time to write. That’s the only thing on my mind, ever. I am very aspergic. And she hears it all the time. She’s finding it hard here, and she’s telling me, and all I say is…
I’m not good for her.
And here’s me, visiting the house today after work and trying to be enthusiastic. Dad’s made an amazing effort on the house. And I don’t want it. I don’t know what I would rather have, but…
I’m impossible. But what can I do? I remember at uni, and perhaps before and after, thinking about suicide, and thinking how all the hurt I am causing people, with my behaviour, with my being so brittle, being so lacking in social skills, so stubborn, so lost, so intelligent but so incapable, so depressed, so out of control, is all awful, but worse than that is knowing that it is what I can achieve when I strain day after day at the height of my powers. Knowing that I have to put my shoulder to the wheel to acheive solecisms that burned themselves into my soul, embarrassment that ached through me and had a half life so much longer than the time between such fuck ups as most can achieve only once in their lives. I hurt others by trying so hard and to them it looks like I’m not trying at all, that I’m not thinking of others at all. But the only alternative would be suicide. They don’t know that, but its true. Because this is the best I can do.
And that’s why I’m fucked off with it all at the moment. Food. Struggling and being employed and not writing and moving forward towards family, almost, when I’m not sure I want it. To home owning, when I never wanted it at all, but just ignored things as they went on around me, were organised for me.
I can do my fire act and forget about things for a while. Forget about the world. I can even teach it and enjoy that contact with people but I ca’t deal with my life right now. I’m constantly trying as hard as i can, and constantly on the edge. It’s not the food, it’s the fact it has to be the number one priority every single day, and I can’t do that, because I need my writing, and because I can’t be that consistent in anything. I need to take some time off.
