Black day
I have been reintroducing vodka over the last couple of days. I have been trying to race through the reintroductions and get through the confirmation reintroductions. Of course, I had to pick up M_____ last night at 22:30 and so I had to start drinking fairly late. I dispatched M_____ fairly early what with a display of pretty outright negligence - she has been feeling more and more of late that I have been giving her little attention, and that she is not intelligent enough for me, and my reveries have only been confirming this view of things - she got back and I was irritated by her complaints about people and practices at work. With things so unsteady in my own life, I find I have little time for her problems, and little patience. I told her at one point to stop complaining, and she went to bed soon after that.
I had slept earlier in the day. I was going through the same motions, it seems, as I did a few months ago when I tried taking Capryllic acid (I started on this yesterday for reasons I shall explain), that is, I began to feel very tired and lacking in energy, weak especially in the legs. Tiredness had come over me when I was trying to read, or I don’t know what. I had to eat a few chunks of dark chocolate (because I was reintroducing this) and then lie my head down on the daft mouse-shaped cushion I bought one time from IKEA. I woke up almost an hour later with chocolate drool all over it. I had just enough time then to cook a pork chop with some cabbage and leak before tidying up the kitchen and my room, which I have been trying to do for days in order to stop me settling in front of the TV when I get home tired and whittling the day away doing nothing. Chocolate, I decided, was over, and I would move on to vodka.
The last couple of mornings I have felt terrible. Flitful, irritable, forgetful and disorganised, I fitted more than usual the case studies of ADHDers in books like Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey, people who are invariably late in the mornings trying to do so many things and who lose everything from car keys to wallets to briefcases trying to get out the door and manage still to look disshevelled.
The vodka last night, drinking on my own, saw me flitting from one thing to another on the internet, which had come back on line after the hour and a half I spent listening to the same song on Sunday. I watched a couple of videos about candida on Youtube, wrote on a couple of walls on Facebook (something I rarely do, I’m as anti-social on line as I am off it, and indeed, soon after I succumbed to the requests to join up, I began to resent the imposition of being texted and bombarded from every angle and not be able to be unavailable: here was just another way of being churlish or in some way not measuring up), and started searching for people on FriendsReunited - something else I never do. Vodka should certainly never be combined with the internet.
And this morning? Well, the internet was still there, and I was completely knackered, and with a pins and needles sensation in my head and a complete inability to motivate myself towards anything. I began to look for lingerie videos on Google. To do this I had to reinstall an update of Flash I downloaded and installed the other night before I installed updates of everything from OS X to iTunes (This laptop hasn’t really been on the internet before in the four or five years I have had it. It is connected now only because I finally used the red cable which came with the router to plug it directly in, something I tried to do before but got wrong somehow. The two or three months I have been without the internet in this house and shuttling posts back and forth on pocket drives have been completely pointless, a result solely of my inability to organise such a simple task). By the time I had done that I was running late ad had to wolf down my corn bread and egg and get into the shower where I further wasted time masturbating.
It took all morning for my brain to pick up. I was unable to do anything much, and I was very irritable. I couldn’t much deal with people, let alone have the patience to deal with so many students.
I was glad to be asked to drop a student up to the farm. I had no conversation for him but I put on Classic FM, as he had asked, and drove up there in my own car with its current lacklustre performance, and stuck behind a tractor for most of the way to boot. I put on Radio 4 to come back and pulled up on the car park, waited for another tutor who had pulled into the drive just in front of me to get walk round and then pulled out a little anthology of poems about war and read a couple of poems, one of them September 1, 1939 by W H Auden.Over the last few days I have decided that I should read a poem or two a day. I haven’t done it, but I’ve decided it. Just one more maxim that I am to adhere to every day of my life, just like taking Capryllic acid is to be a maxim for the next three months consistently, omega 3 fatty acids in high quantities for life, along perhaps with Spirulina.
That kept me on the level for a while, but I had to get back then for break. And I find myself more or less without a role recently. I’m driving people about, yes, but there is perhaps no aspect of the job that isn’t done better by someone else. I’m not good with people, and the job is all about people. I can’t just make conversation, it has to be handed to me on a plate. I’m not good at asserting myself, and I’m forever tripping up over my tongue. I’m forgetful sometimes, and the job is all about remembering which student is where, when. There’s a new lad who is doing a great job at doing quite a few of the jobs that have to be done throughout the day which means that, when I’m not driving students around, I become a little lost, and I find it hard to motivate myself so that when there is something I could do, I don’t always jump up at it. And so today I was suffering a real crisis of confidence. Today I have been seriously thinking again of jacking in the job and taking up my dad on the offer he made me again only a few days ago, Monday, when I went round there to pick up a cold M____ after going to the gym leaving her to walk there to Mum and Dad’s because she couldn’t face the walk back home.
The afternoon was a nightmare with a couple of students playing up. One of them wasn’t going to a group he has, a group I simply have never agreed with, since it is not a structure that can work for most ADHD lads. The other was taking time out after having set upon a lad with a lump hammer at the farm. They teamed up to chuck stuff in the pond, which is due to be some kind of cultish centrepiece based on flow forms but which has been nothing but a white elephant for the few years it has been there, currently being drained and refilled every weekend to prevent some kind of primordial slime forming there and for a couple of years being completely dry, dubbed the ashtray. Benches and ceramic tiles went in there before the two, flanked by one particularly idiotic follower went down to the bottom and started lobbing traffic cones about until a window was smashed in such a place that people could easily have been seriously injured.
I came back depressed, stopping to buy some Efalex, Capryllic acid and probiotics and to pick up M____, who was complaining of being ill. I have had numerous reveritelling peoiple that I do find it hard to be sympathetic sometimes because she is always so dependant and needy, and this after the reveries of telling people how I would never have lasted with her at the beginning but for the fact that the language barrier actually provided the mental stimulation I would not otherwise have had. I was attracted to her because I saw her in the library and on an escalator one time reading a book. This with reveries about the amount of pay I am on which several times today have concluded with my walking out.
So, a black day, but I am getting tired, and I haven’t put the shopping away or cleared up the kitchen. I need to be more fresh tomorrow.
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Now playing: Ben Folds Five - Missing the War
via FoxyTunes
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Now playing: Cassandra Wilson - Harvest Moon
via FoxyTunes
