Crunch time

I’m angry, restless, irritable. I picked up M____ in the car some time back and driving there I was thinking the end has to come soon. I have been so aware of being around her unable to think of anything to say, and today cleaning my room and counting down the time until I would have to pick her up I was so angry at the time I am wasting to her being around. Driving back too, she told me it would be a hard week because I would have to drop her off most mornings, including tomorrow, though she normally lets me off weekends (she is ill), and I thought about how that means that she won’t be working in the evenings and I will feel compelled to be with her, saying nothing and aware of my own failings, and that I will be unable to get down to anything productive.

Maybe it’s the Capryllic acid I’m taking at the moment. Maybe its ‘die off reactions’ but I feel awful, and can’t cope with this. I need my life back. This relationship is giving me so little compares to what it seems to take away. I have nothing to say to M____ and all I’m doing is forcing myself to be sociable so much. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to let her down, but it shouldn’t be such a big deal. It’s only because she can’t cope on her own that I feel so guilty about thinking this.

But it’s late, and I have to be up in the morning!

Black day

I have been reintroducing vodka over the last couple of days. I have been trying to race through the reintroductions and get through the confirmation reintroductions. Of course, I had to pick up M_____ last night at 22:30 and so I had to start drinking fairly late. I dispatched M_____ fairly early what with a display of pretty outright negligence - she has been feeling more and more of late that I have been giving her little attention, and that she is not intelligent enough for me, and my reveries have only been confirming this view of things - she got back and I was irritated by her complaints about people and practices at work. With things so unsteady in my own life, I find I have little time for her problems, and little patience. I told her at one point to stop complaining, and she went to bed soon after that. More

East, West, Home is Best? *

I said I would leave this site alone and knew at the time I would go back on it. Maybe I have already done so, writing up on the locked-up G4 Mac upstairs something I could not upload but from another computer. Anyway, of course my not writing, or not writing so much for my blogs in no way cured me of my problems, freeing me up to finally write my novel since the flitfulness continues apace and I can still not settle down to any one thing but go round and round in circles. More