November 18th, 2007
I’m angry, restless, irritable. I picked up M____ in the car some time back and driving there I was thinking the end has to come soon. I have been so aware of being around her unable to think of anything to say, and today cleaning my room and counting down the time until I would have to pick her up I was so angry at the time I am wasting to her being around. Driving back too, she told me it would be a hard week because I would have to drop her off most mornings, including tomorrow, though she normally lets me off weekends (she is ill), and I thought about how that means that she won’t be working in the evenings and I will feel compelled to be with her, saying nothing and aware of my own failings, and that I will be unable to get down to anything productive.
Maybe it’s the Capryllic acid I’m taking at the moment. Maybe its ‘die off reactions’ but I feel awful, and can’t cope with this. I need my life back. This relationship is giving me so little compares to what it seems to take away. I have nothing to say to M____ and all I’m doing is forcing myself to be sociable so much. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to let her down, but it shouldn’t be such a big deal. It’s only because she can’t cope on her own that I feel so guilty about thinking this.
But it’s late, and I have to be up in the morning!
November 14th, 2007
I have been reintroducing vodka over the last couple of days. I have been trying to race through the reintroductions and get through the confirmation reintroductions. Of course, I had to pick up M_____ last night at 22:30 and so I had to start drinking fairly late. I dispatched M_____ fairly early what with a display of pretty outright negligence - she has been feeling more and more of late that I have been giving her little attention, and that she is not intelligent enough for me, and my reveries have only been confirming this view of things - she got back and I was irritated by her complaints about people and practices at work. With things so unsteady in my own life, I find I have little time for her problems, and little patience. I told her at one point to stop complaining, and she went to bed soon after that. More
November 7th, 2007
Today I took part in my first biodynamic stirring.
Biodynamic farming has a number of practices which are frankly ritualistic, and stirring is one of them. I had read about biodynamics and how it works, but in the few times I had worked down the farm I had not seen any of the more cultish ideas in operation. More
November 5th, 2007
I’ve had an itchy arse over the last few days and also an itch around my crotch. I took a look in the mirror last night and found that, as suspected, I had a fungal infection around my anus. It isn’t the first time. Indeed, I have had recurrent fungal infections for over a decade. One time when it was worst, I was having the worst problems I have ever had with mood and concentration. More
November 3rd, 2007
Any disruption from the normal routine is still difficult for me as far as the diet is concerned, and recently I’ve been going down the Woods a few times.
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